She’s got the fever people…

There is a small part of my brain that thinks I am totally fucked up in my thinking and the things that I want. Lately I have been having this overwhelming desire to add something to my life. In reality, I am in no position to add this thing to my life. For one, I am single, I live with my parents, I am trying to better myself by completing my degree and trying to establish myself within the company I work for. Adding this particular ting to my life, wouldn’t make it easier, but I feel like it would make me happier.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I always thought I would get married fairly young (early twenties); I did that. A month before my 21st birthday I got hitched. I thought I was in love. I also thought I would have my first child by the time I was 25. This was the primary thing I wanted out of life. I wanted to be a mom. Correction: I WANT to be a mom. Maybe I even NEED to be a mom.

I feel like I would be a really good mom. I love kids and I have so much love to give. Baby talk has been coming up a lot lately. I don’t think it’s just because my oldest brother had a baby recently.  It’s coming up from people who aren’t involved in that part of my life. My friend’s wife has been mentioning a lot lately that she thinks he wants more kids, but she had a hysterectomy and can’t have them. My other brother keeps telling me that he knows I would be a good mom. He sees how I am with our nephew and can see how much I want that.  I go crazy over strangers’ babies; like I see one and my ovaries start going gaga.

The thing is, I was married almost nine years. Never once did I get pregnant. During my marriage I had very irregular periods and was told a few years in that it was very likely I would never conceive a child (I have been regular since he and I separated in 2015, I think the issue was him, he stressed me out). I felt like my world ended. My marriage was never the same and this is a large part of why he and I are divorced. Once I accepted that there was a possibility I couldn’t conceive, I started looking at less traditional ways to become a mom. I looked into fertility treatments, anything medically that I could do. Turns out these are all elective procedures and most insurances don’t cover them. They would all need to be paid out of pocket if I wanted to go through with them. My husband felt that if I couldn’t get pregnant the natural way, without us doing fertility treatments, it wasn’t in God’s plan and we shouldn’t mess with that.  Continue reading “She’s got the fever people…”

Fucking Math… Damn it !

Image: Kylea Devoy frustrated

I am not a stupid person.  Although, I will be the first to admit that I tend to make a lot of stupid mistakes. Most of the time I learn from them.  Some, I just never seem to learn from and continue making. This post though is not about those stupid mistakes. Sorry to disappoint. I’ll save that shit for another more interesting day.

I do my best to keep reminding myself that I am NOT a stupid person. In my very first post, I mentioned that I am a student.  I started back to college in the summer of 2016 (I put my education and dreams on hold for nearly 10 tears). I am working toward my Associate of Science to Transfer degree in Business Administration.  In the last two years, taking as many classes as I can each semester while still working full-time; I have really applied myself and have maintained all A’s and B’s.  I have been proud of myself.

This semester I am struggling like no other with my math class.  I am writing this post while I know I should be focusing on my homework and studying for my mid-term.  I can’t seem to comprehend what I am trying to learn. The sad thing is, this is basic algebra. This is a basic class that I should be able to pass with little issues.

Maybe I am getting in my own head with this, knowing that I must pass this class to move on with some of the other classes. I have a few accounting classes and business stats classes that I still have to take, I have been waiting to pass this math class to take those. You need the basics before you can move forward.  The accounting classes and business stats have not seemed as daunting as this dang algebra class. I have attempted this class once before, in a summer session; and ended up dropping it because it moved at a faster pace and I couldn’t keep up.

I have already failed on mid-term. Well, I got a big fat D. And so not the good kind of D that would lead to an O, if you know what I’m saying 😉. My quizzes, I have been doing mediocre with. At least a C. Until this last one.  We always have two attempts to take our quizzes. Both attempts were less than stellar.

 I am disappointed in myself and feeling the worst about myself.  I am not a stupid person. I am a smart, intelligent person. So why the hell can I not grasp these stupid lessons in algebra? The more I seem to do badly, the more frustrated I get and the more I seem to fall behind. I’m not stupid! I know I can do this, I am blocking myself from learning.  I have put up a mental roadblock for myself and I can’t find the right road that gets me back in the right direction. Fuck! I need to study!! I’m out, I am going to try to buckle down and try to understand some of this. Sorry this rant is so short, I’ll make it up later, for now, math seems to be calling my name….

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People disappoint us everyday. Whether it’s over something important like our parents not showing up to our big game; or something small like a friend cancelling coffee… again. Rarely do things happen the way we plan (at least in my experience). How do we avoid being let down by those we are about? 

I am not so sure that we can. In my opinion the only way to stop the feelings of being let down are to not expect anything in the first place. But that doesn’t seem like the best way to live. To not have any expectations of your life so it doesn’t hurt you when things fall through, again. 

I have learned that it is okay to expect things to happen in your life, just not when it comes to other people. I like to think that I am a hopeless romantic and that love will always win, but deep down I am cynical. I question the motives of everyone. When I haven’t heard from someone in a while and all of a sudden they hit me up and won’t stop talking, I wonder what is really going on.  When I have plans with a friend that seem set in stone and then get cancelled on, I wonder what it is that I did. I ultimately think this friend is lying about the reason they no longer want to do what we had planned. 

The only thing I can control here is my reaction to the cancelled plans.  I try to put on a good face and act like it doesn’t bother me when this happens, but to myself I always question it. Especially when it happens over and over and over. 

I have recently pointed out to a friend that I am used to our plans falling through and us not hanging out anymore and he seemed genuinely hurt that I would even say that. The thing is, for the last six months or so, probably close to 85% of the times we said we were going to go out, something comes up and our plans get cancelled. It’s always work, or family, or something that seems to be more important. Which is fine, I know I am not the most important person in this friends life. But it hurts, deep down it hurts. And every time we make plans now, I fully expect them to get cancelled and I hate that I do that. I am actually surprised when we get to do what we say we will. 

How long do you allow things to continue like this? When is enough, enough? Do you just stop making plans with these kind of people, or do you still make plans? How do you not let it affect you when things fall through again? How do you not take that personally or start thinking the worst about yourself? 

I don’t know how to do all that. In some areas, I pretend to be though, but I’m not. I am still a girl, I have feelings, I am sensitive. After being cancelled on 10 straight time though, you kind of become numb to it. At first, it’s kind of like, “Oh, that sucks. Well, there is always next time. No worries.” But then it turns into, “oh yeah, that was expected, I guess it’s a good thing, I can work on my school work now and not feel stressed for time.” 

I guess there are some positive that come from always being cancelled on. It allows for focus on certain things that I procrastinate with (math homework). I just hate the feeling of being disappointed in other people when what I expect to happen finally happens. I hate that I expect my friends to cancel our “dates”. It’s sad and quite pathetic that there doesn’t seem to be a dependability there. It is what it is I guess.  Thanks internet world for listening to my latest ramblings. 

Do we need to hide our real feelings?

I haven’t told many people in my real life about this blog yet. I am not sure if I want everyone knowing about it.  There is something comforting about just strangers reading my ramblings. I don’t know if any of you feel this way too or not. 

I did mention it to one of my brothers this weekend and he is very supportive of me having a blog; he said it could even help with my mental-health.  However, he feels that I should create a second, anonymous blog where I can write my true feelings. He thinks that if I write anything that might be offensive, even if it is how I am really feeling; and my family finds out about it, they will be hurt. I agree with him to an extent because they can be a little over sensitive and close minded (to be fair, I can be too).  What I don’t agree with is keeping it secret.  As I have mentioned in a previous post, I have worn a mask most of my life, pretending to be the person I am expected to be, or felt that I am expected to be. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be me.

If people are going to not like me for my thoughts and the way that I feel, then so be it.  Maybe I don’t need those people in my life. We shouldn’t have to censor our thoughts and feelings as long as they are what we REALLY believe and feel. This world has become too sensitive and we wonder why our colleges now need “safe spaces” in order to cope with a difference of opinion. It’s ridiculous. People can’t take criticism. Maybe I am over-critical in this aspect because I have felt for too long that I have to be someone else for people to like me and I refuse to continue to do that. There are very few people in my life that I have always felt I can be 100% me with.

I have a voice, I have opinions, I have thoughts, I have feelings. Not all of them are pretty, not all of them are sunshine and rainbows. Some of my thoughts and feelings are mean and hurtful; I know that and I know enough to be mindful on how I say certain things. I have learned from experience if I don’t think something through, my words have the power to do some real damage to relationships. But does this mean that I have to hold back my real feelings about something just to appease someone else?  I think people deserve to know when they are being stupid or childish, or when they are being extremely intelligent and handle things in such a graceful way. You should be real with people; not be two-faced with them.  If you disagree with them, you should be able to tell them without them getting so offended they stop talking to you, or heaven forbid, they delete your from their Facebook.  We should be able to have debates and conversations without someone shutting down because they can’t handle what is being said.

There are things that should be said face to face and other things that you can say over your social media.  Continue reading “Do we need to hide our real feelings?”

Don’t Ever Let Anyone Dull Your Sparkle

I have an addiction… maybe a few. This addiction though, it’s arguably the biggest waste of my time. It’s simply a guilty pleasure. It keeps me locked into a certain social media platform.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I am not a huge fan of social media (and you’re starting a blog?!). It’s more Facebook that I have the issue with. This site, man, I can’t stay away from it. I am a junkie. Maybe you have heard of it, it’s a little site/app called Pinterest. The lonely housewives best friend (totally kidding!).  There are some benefits to it though; it really does provide many great ideas on home décor, recipes and cocktails to try, ideas for date nights, etc. It’s an incredible resource. I spend much of my “free” time here. When I am bored and looking for something quick to distract my ever racing mind; I hit up Pinterest. If only I could put this waste of time to use and try the things I pin, I would be golden.

There was a point in time where I was that lonely housewife; pinning constantly about marriage advice, things for my future children (should I one day have them), recipes to make to put a smile on my husband’s face when he got home from a stressful day at work (his words, never mine), arts and crafts; ways to make money and keep me entertained at the same time. There is a whole world of crap out there, all located on this one site.

Last night, I was perusing my boards; looking for ideas or something to fire up my brain enough to write something and I came across a board I created a year ago, “The Wrong Way of Thinking”. It intrigued me to see what I thought were the wrong type of thoughts. Oh man, did that open up a can of worms and a flood of memories.  It’s amazing how quotes and certain images can do that to a person.  How they can just bring the emotion and feelings back in an instant.

Just over a year ago, I had my first real heartbreak. Yes, even over my failed marriage. This one hurt more because I was blindsided by it. I was so in love with this boy; I had thought I showed him my love, but I was wrong because I wanted to keep him to myself and not let him meet my family and friends. I thought I was protecting him from the judgment of my family. In the end, my inability to let him in completely is what led to our demise. When things ended I was in pain, I was pushing people away (this is what I do when I feel unworthy), I felt more alone than ever. Like I mentioned before, Pinterest seems to be my default mode when I have that kind of down time. With less people in my life, I had more and more down time. I found hundreds of quotes about failed relationships, distrust, and broken hearts, all of the things that I was feeling at the time. In a way, it was nice to know that other people felt the same way I did. I wasn’t the only one who has been hurt in the world, I wasn’t the only one rebuilding higher and stronger walls. I wasn’t the only one closing myself off from people so they couldn’t hurt me again. It was somewhat of a comfort during that time; knowing I wasn’t the only one with these thoughts. Continue reading “Don’t Ever Let Anyone Dull Your Sparkle”

Easter Sunday… A Few Thoughts

My family has never been religious or very spiritual.  My parents always claimed that they wanted us to form our own opinions on church and God and all that. We never attended church, not even on the major holidays of Easter and Christmas. The only religious influences I had in my life were a few friends and an uncle that seemed to push their beliefs on me.  If you didn’t do as they did, you were no good and you are destined to go to hell.  At least, that is how it always felt to me.   

With my parents “encouraging” us to find our own religious paths, I remember in junior high school being invited to go to church with a new friend.  She and her family attended a Catholic church (my mother was raised Catholic). I wanted to go, I wanted to see what it was about. I really knew nothing about God and Jesus, I wanted to learn.  I remember asking my parents if I could go, it was after school to a youth thing, and they said no.  I decided I wanted to go anyway, I wanted to know what this was all about.  I would like to tell you that this was my big awakening and I have been a Jesus Freak ever since.  No, that didn’t happen.  What happened was I had a good time with my friend, I don’t recall actually learning anything that night.  What I do remember is getting grounded for going to church.  This is how I saw that punishment.  I didn’t get grounded for disobeying my parents and doing something they didn’t want me to do, I was grounded because I went to church. Obviously, as an adult, I like to think that my parents were punishing me for not listening, even if that was never fully explained to me at the time. So, growing up, I felt more pushed away from religion and church. I never felt I actually needed it. 

Fast forward to when I am 18, I met a boy.  A boy who claimed to be Christian and a follower of Christ. He and I get into a few arguments about how you cannot live your life according to a thousand year old book.  That’s not logical. He argued that you are supposed to live your life by the book and do everything right, he talked a good game. One big thing I knew about the bible and Christianity was that it was a sin to have sex outside of marriage, God doesn’t like a sinner.  This boy kept pressuring me for sex. Needless to say, I didn’t think you should have sex unless you were in love. I wasn’t in love with this boy. He ended up breaking up with me after a few short weeks because I wouldn’t have sex with him. Hypocrite.

Flash forward another year, I meet another boy. He again claims to be a Christian.  When I found this out, I was put off and started trying to push him away. This boy however, was persistent, but he never pushed his beliefs on me. I saw in him a kindness that I hadn’t seen from very many people in my life. It intrigued me. I started going to church with him. I found myself enjoying church and soaking it up, I volunteered, I was there all weekend. It became a happy place for me, a place where I felt like I belonged. I eventually married this boy (and later divorced). He showed me the loving and caring side of the church, he taught me about God, he helped to bring a sense of belonging and happiness into my life. Continue reading “Easter Sunday… A Few Thoughts”

And this is how it starts…

“Reading gives us some place to go when we have to stay where we are.” – Mason Cooley

Hello big world.  Let me introduce myself.. I’m Jennie. I am a sister, daughter, friend, auntie, student, lover of books, movies, music, and the beach. I have a wide range of interests and sometimes too little attention to be fully passionate about something.

I am an avid reader. I read when I feel like life gets to be too much to handle, it provides a sense of escape. Reading can take you to another world for a little while, it can give you new friends that you never knew existed. I also read when I am bored, I don’t use reading as just an escape. I use it to keep my imagination alive.  With a really well written novel, it’s almost as if I am getting a private showing of a new movies, the images dance in my head as I am reading the written word. This is one of the greatest feelings in my world.

I am not your average 30 year old. Well, maybe I am considering I am technically a millennial. I have been married and divorced. I am back living with my parents (lucky them!). I feel as if my life has no real direction.  I dropped out of college when I got married and since my divorce, I have decided to go back. I am working towards my business degree (it’s a safe option). But I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. I know the things I want out of life, but it’s the getting there that seems to be the problem… I’m getting old, the clock is ticking; but in so many ways, my life is just beginning and one day I will have my house on the beach.

So here it goes… This blog, or daily rant, or whatever it is going to be, was set up intending to be mainly reviews about the books I read, movies/TV shows I watch, new products I buy, places I go, or a review of life in general.  I am not an expert in any of these fields, and while I might pretend to be at some point, I want to make it very clear that I am not! I know what I like and what I don’t like, and when I really do like something, I want to share it with others, I want them to feel what I felt when listening to a new song for the first time, or picking up a book and smelling the pages (I am old school and prefer a real book to my kindle, but have the kindle for naughty books and convenience), things that just can’t be replicated.

Anyway, that’s probably enough for now.  Let’s get this show on the road.  Check back next week for my first actual post, not just me introducing myself.