I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. Not much is new about that, we spend every weekend together. I adore this man, he really is everything I have ever wanted. He is a hard worker, he is kind, he knows the importance of family. Not necessarily he importance, but maybe the obligation of family. He understands family is a priority. He is handsome, has blue eyes that I can just get lost in, and his laugh, my god it’s infectious. I can’t help but give in to his pouty faces. When he makes the pouty face, I can seriously see how stinking adorable our kids will be. And he seems to want to make me happy and tells me on a daily basis he loves me.
I have trust issues. I have for all of my adult life. It’s not just with men, it’s people in general that I don’t trust. I want to trust this man. I want to believe everything he tells me. But sometimes it just too hard. This weekend, I had this nagging feeling that he relates love with sex. I feel as if maybe he thinks because we’ve done the deed,he thinks he loves me. The first time he said he loved me was during our first time, which yes, to all the judgy people, was pretty early in our relationship.
I know I am in love with him. Everyday we spend together, I learn something new. I love learning about him and learning the ways our lives are intertwining. We talk about the future a lot, having a family, traveling, getting married, spending our lives together. I can’t wait for these things to start, I want all of that, and I want it with him. He says it’s already started and we’re doing it now. But we’re not, and we can’t until he handles certain things in his life. I don’t know how to be patient and let things play out. I am terrified that he is going to wake up one morning and decide he wants something or someone else. I know nothing in life is a guarantee, but I’m scared. He has come to mean more to me than anything else. And just re-reading that, it sounds like I’m trying to trap him. I’m not, I promise.
Patience, without nagging… this is what I have to learn. But at what point does it become a respect thing? If he keeps putting this off, does that mean he doesn’t really feel about me the way he says he does? There are things in my past that make me not want to believe him at all, I’ve been down this road before. I don’t want to do that again. Maybe I’m just breaking my own heart here, getting in my own head, and not giving him the benefit of the doubt.
One day I will describe these things in full; the trust issues, and what he wants to take care of that I feel is keeping our lives from moving forward together. Tonight though, I just don’t have the energy for it.