2 am thoughts

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. Not much is new about that, we spend every weekend together. I adore this man, he really is everything I have ever wanted. He is a hard worker, he is kind, he knows the importance of family. Not necessarily he importance, but maybe the obligation of family. He understands family is a priority. He is handsome, has blue eyes that I can just get lost in, and his laugh, my god it’s infectious. I can’t help but give in to his pouty faces. When he makes the pouty face, I can seriously see how stinking adorable our kids will be. And he seems to want to make me happy and tells me on a daily basis he loves me.

I have trust issues. I have for all of my adult life. It’s not just with men, it’s people in general that I don’t trust. I want to trust this man. I want to believe everything he tells me. But sometimes it just too hard. This weekend, I had this nagging feeling that he relates love with sex. I feel as if maybe he thinks because we’ve done the deed,he thinks he loves me. The first time he said he loved me was during our first time, which yes, to all the judgy people, was pretty early in our relationship.

I know I am in love with him. Everyday we spend together, I learn something new. I love learning about him and learning the ways our lives are intertwining. We talk about the future a lot, having a family, traveling, getting married, spending our lives together. I can’t wait for these things to start, I want all of that, and I want it with him. He says it’s already started and we’re doing it now. But we’re not, and we can’t until he handles certain things in his life. I don’t know how to be patient and let things play out. I am terrified that he is going to wake up one morning and decide he wants something or someone else. I know nothing in life is a guarantee, but I’m scared. He has come to mean more to me than anything else. And just re-reading that, it sounds like I’m trying to trap him. I’m not, I promise.

Patience, without nagging… this is what I have to learn. But at what point does it become a respect thing? If he keeps putting this off, does that mean he doesn’t really feel about me the way he says he does? There are things in my past that make me not want to believe him at all, I’ve been down this road before. I don’t want to do that again. Maybe I’m just breaking my own heart here, getting in my own head, and not giving him the benefit of the doubt.

One day I will describe these things in full; the trust issues, and what he wants to take care of that I feel is keeping our lives from moving forward together. Tonight though, I just don’t have the energy for it.

What do you do?

I don’t know what’s going on. Over the last few nights, anytime I am in my bed alone, I just break down. I don’t know why. I am happy with my life right now. I have a good job, I get frustrated with it at times, but o truly love the people I work with and enjoy what I do. I have an amazing man that loves me to the point I question what I could have done right to deserve someone like him. I have my family, my friends, my animals. I am doing well in school. Things finally feel like they are going right.

I don’t really feel alone, I don’t feel sad, I’m not overly happy; just overly emotional? The second I am no longer distracted by something, I lose it. I can’t fall asleep, I’m exhausted but can’t seem to sleep. I just cry and struggle to breathe. It scares me. If I can distract myself, I’m fine. It it’s laying in the quiet, in the dark, alone that see,s to be doing me in.

It’s been awhile…

Forgive me internet world, for I have been naughty, it’s been some time since I last posted.  I plan to make up for my time gone. Life just got in the way, or should I say, a new relationship got in the way of my writing/venting.

I’ve been meaning to write for a few days now, and I feel like I just never have the time. And then, I reevaluate how I have been spending my time as of late. I need to adjust some priorities a little. I feel like so much has been going on.

Awhile back, I started a post about my mom, I never actually posted it though. It’s a hard one to write. I love my mom to death, she is my best friend. However, I am going to lose her; she has been battling breast cancer. The big C. I am not going to bore you today with the history of her battle, but catch you up on this latest news.

It’s scary watching your mom change in front of your eyes. To see her in your mind as this strong and healthy woman, a generally positive person, happy to be around people and family. But in reality now, when you look at her, you see skin overlaying bones, her face sunk in, looking older than her actual age, now overall negative and becoming more and more reclusive; someone having little to look forward to in life.

It’s the scariest and most difficult thing I have ever had to witness. We found out this past week that the breast cancer has now spread to her liver.  We were already knew that the cancer was never going to be cured because it had already penetrated her bones. All the treatment up to this point (at least over the last two years) has been to slow the progress of it spreading. After each PET scan, the oncologist would tell us, be thankful it isn’t spreading to the organs. Now, here we are, it’s hit her liver, at least two spots on the liver. The oncologist has chosen to take her off of the IV chemotherapy and put her on a pill form of chemo.

Like any normal person that wants information, I turn to the web. You can find all sorts of even scarier information there. But what I found out about this medication is that it is in the same class as another form of chemo she was recently on that nearly killed her.  Why on earth would he oncologist want to put her back on a similar treatment that landed her in the ICU almost a year ago? That makes absolutely no sense to me.  Unless that is the end goal…

She has an appointment next week with the oncologist, so I am making sure I take the time off work to go with her and ask all the questions that I have. What if she decides not to move forward with any therapy? Why did he pick this pill, of all the choices, why this one? How long are we looking at? Will she make it to see her first grandchild’s first birthday?  Where do we go from here?

If anyone out here has been through this, or can relate? Help. Let’s talk. It’s a scary thing to go through.  How did you handle this?

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~Jennie

Disappointments

People disappoint us everyday. Whether it’s over something important like our parents not showing up to our big game; or something small like a friend cancelling coffee… again. Rarely do things happen the way we plan (at least in my experience). How do we avoid being let down by those we are about? 

I am not so sure that we can. In my opinion the only way to stop the feelings of being let down are to not expect anything in the first place. But that doesn’t seem like the best way to live. To not have any expectations of your life so it doesn’t hurt you when things fall through, again. 

I have learned that it is okay to expect things to happen in your life, just not when it comes to other people. I like to think that I am a hopeless romantic and that love will always win, but deep down I am cynical. I question the motives of everyone. When I haven’t heard from someone in a while and all of a sudden they hit me up and won’t stop talking, I wonder what is really going on.  When I have plans with a friend that seem set in stone and then get cancelled on, I wonder what it is that I did. I ultimately think this friend is lying about the reason they no longer want to do what we had planned. 

The only thing I can control here is my reaction to the cancelled plans.  I try to put on a good face and act like it doesn’t bother me when this happens, but to myself I always question it. Especially when it happens over and over and over. 

I have recently pointed out to a friend that I am used to our plans falling through and us not hanging out anymore and he seemed genuinely hurt that I would even say that. The thing is, for the last six months or so, probably close to 85% of the times we said we were going to go out, something comes up and our plans get cancelled. It’s always work, or family, or something that seems to be more important. Which is fine, I know I am not the most important person in this friends life. But it hurts, deep down it hurts. And every time we make plans now, I fully expect them to get cancelled and I hate that I do that. I am actually surprised when we get to do what we say we will. 

How long do you allow things to continue like this? When is enough, enough? Do you just stop making plans with these kind of people, or do you still make plans? How do you not let it affect you when things fall through again? How do you not take that personally or start thinking the worst about yourself? 

I don’t know how to do all that. In some areas, I pretend to be though, but I’m not. I am still a girl, I have feelings, I am sensitive. After being cancelled on 10 straight time though, you kind of become numb to it. At first, it’s kind of like, “Oh, that sucks. Well, there is always next time. No worries.” But then it turns into, “oh yeah, that was expected, I guess it’s a good thing, I can work on my school work now and not feel stressed for time.” 

I guess there are some positive that come from always being cancelled on. It allows for focus on certain things that I procrastinate with (math homework). I just hate the feeling of being disappointed in other people when what I expect to happen finally happens. I hate that I expect my friends to cancel our “dates”. It’s sad and quite pathetic that there doesn’t seem to be a dependability there. It is what it is I guess.  Thanks internet world for listening to my latest ramblings. 

Do we need to hide our real feelings?

I haven’t told many people in my real life about this blog yet. I am not sure if I want everyone knowing about it.  There is something comforting about just strangers reading my ramblings. I don’t know if any of you feel this way too or not. 

I did mention it to one of my brothers this weekend and he is very supportive of me having a blog; he said it could even help with my mental-health.  However, he feels that I should create a second, anonymous blog where I can write my true feelings. He thinks that if I write anything that might be offensive, even if it is how I am really feeling; and my family finds out about it, they will be hurt. I agree with him to an extent because they can be a little over sensitive and close minded (to be fair, I can be too).  What I don’t agree with is keeping it secret.  As I have mentioned in a previous post, I have worn a mask most of my life, pretending to be the person I am expected to be, or felt that I am expected to be. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be me.

If people are going to not like me for my thoughts and the way that I feel, then so be it.  Maybe I don’t need those people in my life. We shouldn’t have to censor our thoughts and feelings as long as they are what we REALLY believe and feel. This world has become too sensitive and we wonder why our colleges now need “safe spaces” in order to cope with a difference of opinion. It’s ridiculous. People can’t take criticism. Maybe I am over-critical in this aspect because I have felt for too long that I have to be someone else for people to like me and I refuse to continue to do that. There are very few people in my life that I have always felt I can be 100% me with.

I have a voice, I have opinions, I have thoughts, I have feelings. Not all of them are pretty, not all of them are sunshine and rainbows. Some of my thoughts and feelings are mean and hurtful; I know that and I know enough to be mindful on how I say certain things. I have learned from experience if I don’t think something through, my words have the power to do some real damage to relationships. But does this mean that I have to hold back my real feelings about something just to appease someone else?  I think people deserve to know when they are being stupid or childish, or when they are being extremely intelligent and handle things in such a graceful way. You should be real with people; not be two-faced with them.  If you disagree with them, you should be able to tell them without them getting so offended they stop talking to you, or heaven forbid, they delete your from their Facebook.  We should be able to have debates and conversations without someone shutting down because they can’t handle what is being said.

There are things that should be said face to face and other things that you can say over your social media.  Continue reading “Do we need to hide our real feelings?”

Don’t Ever Let Anyone Dull Your Sparkle

I have an addiction… maybe a few. This addiction though, it’s arguably the biggest waste of my time. It’s simply a guilty pleasure. It keeps me locked into a certain social media platform.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I am not a huge fan of social media (and you’re starting a blog?!). It’s more Facebook that I have the issue with. This site, man, I can’t stay away from it. I am a junkie. Maybe you have heard of it, it’s a little site/app called Pinterest. The lonely housewives best friend (totally kidding!).  There are some benefits to it though; it really does provide many great ideas on home décor, recipes and cocktails to try, ideas for date nights, etc. It’s an incredible resource. I spend much of my “free” time here. When I am bored and looking for something quick to distract my ever racing mind; I hit up Pinterest. If only I could put this waste of time to use and try the things I pin, I would be golden.

There was a point in time where I was that lonely housewife; pinning constantly about marriage advice, things for my future children (should I one day have them), recipes to make to put a smile on my husband’s face when he got home from a stressful day at work (his words, never mine), arts and crafts; ways to make money and keep me entertained at the same time. There is a whole world of crap out there, all located on this one site.

Last night, I was perusing my boards; looking for ideas or something to fire up my brain enough to write something and I came across a board I created a year ago, “The Wrong Way of Thinking”. It intrigued me to see what I thought were the wrong type of thoughts. Oh man, did that open up a can of worms and a flood of memories.  It’s amazing how quotes and certain images can do that to a person.  How they can just bring the emotion and feelings back in an instant.

Just over a year ago, I had my first real heartbreak. Yes, even over my failed marriage. This one hurt more because I was blindsided by it. I thought I was so in love with this boy; I had thought I showed him my love, but I was wrong because I wanted to keep him to myself and not let him meet my family and friends. I thought I was protecting him from the judgment of my family. In the end, my inability to let him in completely is what led to our demise. When things ended I was in pain, I was pushing people away (this is what I do when I feel unworthy), I felt more alone than ever. Like I mentioned before, Pinterest seems to be my default mode when I have that kind of down time. With less people in my life, I had more and more down time. I found hundreds of quotes about failed relationships, distrust, and broken hearts, all of the things that I was feeling at the time. In a way, it was nice to know that other people felt the same way I did. I wasn’t the only one who has been hurt in the world, I wasn’t the only one rebuilding higher and stronger walls. I wasn’t the only one closing myself off from people so they couldn’t hurt me again. It was somewhat of a comfort during that time; knowing I wasn’t the only one with these thoughts.

Continue reading “Don’t Ever Let Anyone Dull Your Sparkle”

Easter Sunday… A Few Thoughts

My family has never been religious or very spiritual.  My parents always claimed that they wanted us to form our own opinions on church and God and all that. We never attended church, not even on the major holidays of Easter and Christmas. The only religious influences I had in my life were a few friends and an uncle that seemed to push their beliefs on me.  If you didn’t do as they did, you were no good and you are destined to go to hell.  At least, that is how it always felt to me.   

With my parents “encouraging” us to find our own religious paths, I remember in junior high school being invited to go to church with a new friend.  She and her family attended a Catholic church (my mother was raised Catholic). I wanted to go, I wanted to see what it was about. I really knew nothing about God and Jesus, I wanted to learn.  I remember asking my parents if I could go, it was after school to a youth thing, and they said no.  I decided I wanted to go anyway, I wanted to know what this was all about.  I would like to tell you that this was my big awakening and I have been a Jesus Freak ever since.  No, that didn’t happen.  What happened was I had a good time with my friend, I don’t recall actually learning anything that night.  What I do remember is getting grounded for going to church.  This is how I saw that punishment.  I didn’t get grounded for disobeying my parents and doing something they didn’t want me to do, I was grounded because I went to church. Obviously, as an adult, I like to think that my parents were punishing me for not listening, even if that was never fully explained to me at the time. So, growing up, I felt more pushed away from religion and church. I never felt I actually needed it. 

Fast forward to when I am 18, I met a boy.  A boy who claimed to be Christian and a follower of Christ. He and I get into a few arguments about how you cannot live your life according to a thousand year old book.  That’s not logical. He argued that you are supposed to live your life by the book and do everything right, he talked a good game. One big thing I knew about the bible and Christianity was that it was a sin to have sex outside of marriage, God doesn’t like a sinner.  This boy kept pressuring me for sex. Needless to say, I didn’t think you should have sex unless you were in love. I wasn’t in love with this boy. He ended up breaking up with me after a few short weeks because I wouldn’t have sex with him. Hypocrite.

Flash forward another year, I meet another boy. He again claims to be a Christian.  When I found this out, I was put off and started trying to push him away. This boy however, was persistent, but he never pushed his beliefs on me. I saw in him a kindness that I hadn’t seen from very many people in my life. It intrigued me. I started going to church with him. I found myself enjoying church and soaking it up, I volunteered, I was there all weekend. It became a happy place for me, a place where I felt like I belonged. I eventually married this boy (and later divorced). He showed me the loving and caring side of the church, he taught me about God, he helped to bring a sense of belonging and happiness into my life. Continue reading “Easter Sunday… A Few Thoughts”