Hey momma, it’s me. You know that already. I feel like this is the only way for me to get things out right now. It’s sad to say, but I don’t really feel like I can talk to anyone about what I’m feeling. So I guess this is going to be my way to grieve.
I shouldn’t do this at work, it’s difficult for me to do this at home. T doesn’t know how to handle it when I cry. I think he wants to be supportive but doesn’t fully understand what I am going through. I think he is afraid to ask how I am really doing.
Truth be told, I don’t know how I am really doing. It doesn’t seem people really want to know, to I push my feelings down and move forward. Much of how I have always done. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I think I might need a good cry session. The tears seem to want to come at the worst times, like when I am at work and shouldn’t be crying.
The boys and I haven’t really been talking. Not much is new with that, except after your funeral they made it seem like they wanted to get closer. It’s all well and good as long as they put forth the effort too. I get ignored when I text, so I just stopped unless they text me. The last time JA and I talked, he yelled and screamed the whole time. He is angry and I don’t know how to help him. He is hurting and so so angry.
I hear more from H than I do JA. He is busy with football, of course. I hear he has good days and bad days, just like the rest of us. I wish I had more info than that, but you see all of what is going on. You see how we are all doing I guess.
K will text me daily, telling me what a hard time she is having now that you are gone. She says it like I am the adult here and I am supposed to be comforting her. Or maybe she is trying to come from a sibling aspect, she saw you more as a mother than a sister, so maybe that’s it. I am not sure.
D got a tattoo a couple weeks ago. Something to honor you, to show the world just how much he loves you. I think of all the things he has done, this makes me the most upset. I know he loved you, but at the same time, I still find it hard to believe. You know just as well as I do, it was rare that he was faithful to you, even as you were battling cancer he was seeing other women. Asshole. Like how do you respect a person that does that? He has developed this whole Holier than Thou attitude lately. He is pissed at your family for not giving him money. When K said she has helped support you guys numerous times, he got offended and said it wasn’t true. We all know it was. She helped you guys a lot financially. I know she did, you know she did, and D certainly knows she did. I don’t know what it is that makes him think he actually provided for his family all these years. He is a low life. It’s a sad thing to say about ones father, but it’s the truth.
During one of my cry sessions the other day in the car, I heard the song “Best of Intentions” by Travis Tritt. It made me think of D and how he promised you everything you ever wanted. Promises he could never deliver on, promises he repeatedly broke. I wish he could have made a better life for the two of you. I wish he could have been that kind of man for you. You deserved the world. You deserved to see the world.
I had kind of an ah-ha moment the other day while talking to B at work. I was talking about how I wanted to spread your ashes at the coast, like I feel you would have wanted. But then, I think I am going to take you traveling with me, and leave you all over the world. You always wanted to see the world. T and I are starting next year in Chile, so momma, you are going to make all my trips with me and you will get to see the world with me. I am not sure I am going to tell anyone else about this, I don’t think they would agree with it. I want you to see all these places that you never got to see. I am going to take you with me when we do a wine tour in Italy, go see the Eiffel Tower in Paris, and the rolling hills of Ireland. This I think is the best way to honor you. Not just spread your ashes at the beach. I think you need to see the world.
I feel like I am not able to grieve because I am trying to be strong for everyone else, the others grief is becoming more important than my own. I have my moments, like here are work today, or driving home where I break down. It’s a terrible world when you lose your best friend.
Who do I talk to? Who do I vent to? Who is going to teach me about being a mom? JA tells me that we are lucky you passed away now as compared to when we were kids. He says you taught us everything you could, there was nothing left. I still call bullshit on that, but I guess I really can’t. I mean you have taught me my whole life how to be a mom. You were a great mom to us. You made sacrifices for us that we never saw until we were older. You never held it against me when I was a bitchy teenager and screamed how much I hated you. I never hated you mom. Never. I am sorry for all the hateful things I ever said to you. I wish I could take them back and just tell you one more time how much I love you and am so thankful for all the love you ever gave me. I am glad that you were my mom and not someone else. I am who I am today because of you.
I love you momma. I’ll write more later.