Hey all. My blogging has been put on hold over the last few months. I’ve been really bad about it. I need to get better about it and make this a more routine habit.
It goes without saying, 2018 was not the best year for me. However, there were some things that I would not have changed for the world. I met the man of my dreams, my future husband, my future baby daddy 😉 (there is a joke about that in my family I swear). I have reconnected with certain members of my family, and I have been accepted completely by another family (there will come a day when I do a post all about him).
I could have done without the loss of my mom. But on the other hand, I am happy that she is no longer suffering. I like to think that she is in a better place. We cremated her after all, so I at least know her soul isn’t trapped here. She is hopefully able to move on to wherever she believes is her final resting place.
Because we had her cremated, she doesn’t have a “burial” site, nowhere that we can go to visit with her specifically. One of my brothers and I believed that even if we did, it wouldn’t have mattered. We didn’t think we would feel her there. We thought we would feel her at the Healing Garden. This was her place (aside from the beach). She was involved with this project in one way or another from day one. Through the Art of Life Cancer Foundation, my mom was able to take part in several projects that are prominently displayed at this garden.
I wholeheartedly believed I would be able to feel her here. Today was the first day I’ve gone in over four months. I have driven to it several times, but have not been able to get out of my car until today. Today, I got out of the car. I sat near her tile for awhile and enjoyed my peppermint white mocha. I walked around the lavender garden. I watched as the children played on the play scape and played on the musical instruments. I sat and tried to feel her spirit around me. She wasn’t there. I couldn’t feel her. Maybe she was at the beach today.
I usually have a difficult time thinking about my mom. Thoughts of her generally lead me to a breakdown. I know I haven’t REALLY dealt with her death. I know I haven’t. Most days when I feel myself leading to a breakdown, I find something to distract myself. Anything really will distract me from these thoughts. December was the hardest month on me and I feel like I did the most “dealing” with her death. Her birthday was on 12/13. That day wasn’t as horrible as I thought it was going to be. I spent the day with my aunt (who could be her twin in every possible way). I thought it would kill me being with her for almost an entire day, but it didn’t. My aunt and I had a great time, getting a pedicure, talking, laughing, crying, and sharing our memories. I concluded her birthday by having dinner with my brothers and dad. We had a good time as well. We didn’t talk about my mom. Obviously, she was the reason we were all together, but nobody wanted to mention it.
The next day, I had work. This day was the most difficult day I had experienced since she passed. All I wanted to to was stay in bed and just lay in the dark. It took everything I had to get up and go to work. I had to go to work, I have bills to pay. I know my boss wouldn’t have minded if I had called in sick, but it just wasn’t something I could do. My mom would have been pissed if I had, she raised me with a better work ethic than that. So, I got up, showered, got dressed, and made my way to work. Work is always a way for me to distract myself. It works great.. while I am there. The minute I am back in my car heading home, the dam breaks and the tears come freely.
I keep strong for those around me, but inside I feel like I am dying. I started going to therapy because of this, because I don’t know how to grieve the loss of my mother. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t fully believe my therapist knows what she is doing either. I feel like when I need to talk or get things out the most, she is the one doing all the talking and grieving over the loss of her own parents (15+ years ago). Maybe in her own way she is trying to show me it gets better….
My mom had so much love for my brothers and me. She wasn’t always the best parent, but looking back on my life with her, she did the best that she could with the resources she had. She had an unreliable partner (yes, my father). My dad came and went as he pleased. She couldn’t depend on him to be there to help support her. He was constantly out of work or finding ways so he wouldn’t have to go to work. My mom was the one constant in our lives growing up. We may have moved one to three times a year, didn’t always know if the power would be on when we got home, but one thing we knew for sure was that mom would be there at the end of the day. Mom was always there for us when we needed her, even when we didn’t. She wasn’t just there for the three of us, she was there for our friends, she was there for our neighbors, for our family. Whatever she had, she gave freely to other people. My mom was one of the kindest most positive people I knew, until she got sick. When she got sick, she became more negative and bitter. It was hard seeing her like that. Now that she is gone though, I mostly remember her as the mom I had growing up. The happy version of her.
I think if I only remember her happy times, maybe it will be easier to start healing. I’m really not sure though. Sadly for me, I am not sure what is the best course of action for a loss like this. If anyone has any ideas on how they have handled grief in the past, those would be appreciated. I would like to get back to a place where I am not constantly on the verge of a breakdown.
The start of 2019 is something to look forward to. I will be making changes in my life, in all aspects of my life. Check back soon for some of these updates. Hope you have an amazing year and hope you are able to accomplish the goals you have set for yourself. Cheers to the happiest of new years!!