I have an addiction… maybe a few. This addiction though, it’s arguably the biggest waste of my time. It’s simply a guilty pleasure. It keeps me locked into a certain social media platform. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am not a huge fan of social media (and you’re starting a blog?!). It’s more Facebook that I have the issue with. This site, man, I can’t stay away from it. I am a junkie. Maybe you have heard of it, it’s a little site/app called Pinterest. The lonely housewives best friend (totally kidding!). There are some benefits to it though; it really does provide many great ideas on home décor, recipes and cocktails to try, ideas for date nights, etc. It’s an incredible resource. I spend much of my “free” time here. When I am bored and looking for something quick to distract my ever racing mind; I hit up Pinterest. If only I could put this waste of time to use and try the things I pin, I would be golden.
There was a point in time where I was that lonely housewife; pinning constantly about marriage advice, things for my future children (should I one day have them), recipes to make to put a smile on my husband’s face when he got home from a stressful day at work (his words, never mine), arts and crafts; ways to make money and keep me entertained at the same time. There is a whole world of crap out there, all located on this one site.
Last night, I was perusing my boards; looking for ideas or something to fire up my brain enough to write something and I came across a board I created a year ago, “The Wrong Way of Thinking”. It intrigued me to see what I thought were the wrong type of thoughts. Oh man, did that open up a can of worms and a flood of memories. It’s amazing how quotes and certain images can do that to a person. How they can just bring the emotion and feelings back in an instant.
Just over a year ago, I had my first real heartbreak. Yes, even over my failed marriage. This one hurt more because I was blindsided by it. I was so in love with this boy; I had thought I showed him my love, but I was wrong because I wanted to keep him to myself and not let him meet my family and friends. I thought I was protecting him from the judgment of my family. In the end, my inability to let him in completely is what led to our demise. When things ended I was in pain, I was pushing people away (this is what I do when I feel unworthy), I felt more alone than ever. Like I mentioned before, Pinterest seems to be my default mode when I have that kind of down time. With less people in my life, I had more and more down time. I found hundreds of quotes about failed relationships, distrust, and broken hearts, all of the things that I was feeling at the time. In a way, it was nice to know that other people felt the same way I did. I wasn’t the only one who has been hurt in the world, I wasn’t the only one rebuilding higher and stronger walls. I wasn’t the only one closing myself off from people so they couldn’t hurt me again. It was somewhat of a comfort during that time; knowing I wasn’t the only one with these thoughts.
As the months went on, I was starting to act more like myself on the outside. Doing my hair and make-up again, plastering my face with that fake smile I have perfected over the years. I started to revert to the married version of myself. Slowly dying on the inside and while looking beautiful and happy on the outside. People get angry with you when you’re depressed all the time, I mean, seriously, why can’t you just get over it, he was one boy. Other people don’t like to see you sad, they don’t know what to do with you, and they don’t know how to help. So to make it easier on them, we pretend. I have always looked at this as I am putting on a show, I am an actress and the mask goes on.
While I looked put together on the outside, I still had an internal battle that I dealt with on a daily basis. I actually wanted to move on, move forward and be happy. I didn’t want to be in this state I was in. This is a difficult feeling to describe, I wanted to be happy, but my mind wasn’t allowing it. I would do something I knew was irrational and not something I would generally do, but I would do it anyway. I don’t really know if this was the heartache acting out, or if there is/was something seriously wrong in my head. Every night for months I would cry myself to sleep because I was so unhappy with how things were in my life.
It finally started to occur to me that the way I was processing and handling my pain wasn’t healthy. I needed to get some real help. I reached out to my doctor and asked if she could give me referrals on therapists. I would rather talk to someone than go on medication. I called all five offices that my doctor suggested, and never received a phone call back. If I had some real issues, this probably could have been a problem. When I started having darker thoughts, I reached out to my doctor again. I told her all about how I have been feeling and my mood swings. After a long discussion, she recommended that we try an anti-depressant and when I feel I am back to my old self again, we can start decreasing the amounts until I am no longer on it. I agreed, something need to change, I couldn’t keep living the way I was; feeling miserable all the time.
It’s been about two months since I have accepted that I need help and have been on this medication. I have to say that I have noticed an enormous difference. I am feeling happier, the world doesn’t look as gloomy as it did just a few months ago. I am feeling once again that I don’t need an affirmation from a man to know that I am worth something. I am becoming better at work and school, I am able to concentrate and focus more. I have started hanging out with my friends again, I have been excited about what is to come.
That broken heart of mine is still healing, but it’s not healing by the things I posted in this specific board (my most pinned to board by the way). It’s healing because I accepted the fact that not everything has to be dealt with alone. There are options and no matter how desperately we think that the world would be better off without us, that is simply not true. We are not alone in this world. I will always struggle with letting my walls down in terms of relationships, but I have to keep reminding myself that just because one boy hurt me as bad as he did, not every boy is like that. There are good people in this world, hidden behind all the darkness. But they are out there and they are worth searching for. They are worth opening up for, risking potential heartbreak again. Life does not stop because one silly boy decided you weren’t good enough.
I have turned to posting affirmations to a board I call “Me Love”. I need to show myself more love than I have in the past. I always planned on doing things for me, because I want to do them; not because it’s what is expected of me. I am starting to do those things now. I am creating and marking off items on my bucket list. It’s invigorating doing the things I have always wanted to do and always felt held back. In a way, that heartbreak was one of the best things to happen to me and I don’t regret that time in my life. It’s helped to shape me and bring me back to life, and for that, I will be forever grateful.
“It’s ok if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire”. – Colette Werden
That is exactly what I intend to do. I am not going to let this experience be my end all. Yes, it hurt. It was excruciatingly painful. The worst type of emotional pain I have ever felt. There will always be a part of me that loves this boy for the things that he taught me and the things he helped bring out in me. But as I get over this pain, I will rise as a strong, more beautiful woman than I was when he and I were together. I will be everything that I was created to be.
My point is no matter how difficult things may seem at the time, no matter how much you are hurting, no matter if your world seems to be caving in around you; it will always get better. Hold on to those feelings of hope, find something to look forward to tomorrow. That thing may just be a TV show, and that’s okay, baby steps. Things always have a way of working out and becoming brighter. I truly believe that you will not be given more than you can handle, everything happens for a reason. While we don’t always get to know the reasons right away, or if at all, I believe there has to be a reason we have gone through our troubles. It could be as simple as giving us some of that life experience we always here about. It could be to keep us grounded and to remember the important things in life.