I haven’t told many people in my real life about this blog yet. I am not sure if I want everyone knowing about it. There is something comforting about just strangers reading my ramblings. I don’t know if any of you feel this way too or not.
I did mention it to one of my brothers this weekend and he is very supportive of me having a blog; he said it could even help with my mental-health. However, he feels that I should create a second, anonymous blog where I can write my true feelings. He thinks that if I write anything that might be offensive, even if it is how I am really feeling; and my family finds out about it, they will be hurt. I agree with him to an extent because they can be a little over sensitive and close minded (to be fair, I can be too). What I don’t agree with is keeping it secret. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I have worn a mask most of my life, pretending to be the person I am expected to be, or felt that I am expected to be. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be me.
If people are going to not like me for my thoughts and the way that I feel, then so be it. Maybe I don’t need those people in my life. We shouldn’t have to censor our thoughts and feelings as long as they are what we REALLY believe and feel. This world has become too sensitive and we wonder why our colleges now need “safe spaces” in order to cope with a difference of opinion. It’s ridiculous. People can’t take criticism. Maybe I am over-critical in this aspect because I have felt for too long that I have to be someone else for people to like me and I refuse to continue to do that. There are very few people in my life that I have always felt I can be 100% me with.
I have a voice, I have opinions, I have thoughts, I have feelings. Not all of them are pretty, not all of them are sunshine and rainbows. Some of my thoughts and feelings are mean and hurtful; I know that and I know enough to be mindful on how I say certain things. I have learned from experience if I don’t think something through, my words have the power to do some real damage to relationships. But does this mean that I have to hold back my real feelings about something just to appease someone else? I think people deserve to know when they are being stupid or childish, or when they are being extremely intelligent and handle things in such a graceful way. You should be real with people; not be two-faced with them. If you disagree with them, you should be able to tell them without them getting so offended they stop talking to you, or heaven forbid, they delete your from their Facebook. We should be able to have debates and conversations without someone shutting down because they can’t handle what is being said.
There are things that should be said face to face and other things that you can say over your social media.
Brief Backstory: When I was just graduating high school, one of my best friends began dating a girl he met through MySpace (yes, back when that was the cool thing). After meeting her, our group of friend’s decided we didn’t like her; she didn’t fit with him very well. Instead of doing the smart thing and really trying to get to know this girl for the sake of our friend and his happiness. I took it upon myself to email this friend (we could never get him alone to talk to him). I wasn’t the only one that didn’t like her. I thought I worded the email so that it wouldn’t look like it was an attack, or whatever. But I guess I did. Little did I know, she had his email password and read the email before he got a chance. She and I exchanged a lot of hurtful words to each other. Long story short, this friend stopped talking to me. He also stopped talking to most of the people we hung out with. He was choosing this new girl over his friends he has had since childhood. While a few of the friendships have mended, they are not the same as they once were. This friend eventually married and divorced this girl. She and I even made amends. He and I have not spoken since this time.
If I regret anything in my life, it is how I handled this situation. There are things I wish I had done differently. I don’t regret telling him how I and the rest of our friends felt. I regret how I did it. Maybe I shouldn’t have been the one to tell him to begin with, since everyone thought I was in love with him (who really knows, maybe I was and I was too stubborn or scared to admit it). I still feel he had a right to know how we all felt (she didn’t pass the front porch test), but I should have made more of an effort to talk to him face to face. Maybe I should have made a legit effort to see in this girl what one of my best friends saw in her. After all if he liked her, she couldn’t be all bad. Could she?
If I had kept my fat mouth shut, maybe we would all still be friends to this day. If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn’t have learned that what I say can destroy things. I wouldn’t have learned to bite my tongue. I might still be that girl I was back then. I was a royal bitch. I didn’t care. I am not that same girl. Maybe my brother is right (I will deny ever saying this if it gets back to him). If I don’t want to lose my relationships with certain people and I don’t want to hurt the people that I love because of my thoughts and feelings; maybe I should start a second blog and keep it solely for the purpose of getting my inner most thoughts and feelings out regardless of what they are.
Would it be considered two-faced to be polite and civil to someone, trying to get a long for the sake of getting along, and then post your true thoughts about that person to your blog? Would it be wrong to just try to keep the peace? Or when someone lets you down and disappoints you again and again, is it better to keep it bottled up than to tell them how you really feel?