There is a small part of my brain that thinks I am totally fucked up in my thinking and the things that I want. Lately I have been having this overwhelming desire to add something to my life. In reality, I am in no position to add this thing to my life. For one, I am single, I live with my parents, I am trying to better myself by completing my degree and trying to establish myself within the company I work for. Adding this particular ting to my life, wouldn’t make it easier, but I feel like it would make me happier.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I always thought I would get married fairly young (early twenties); I did that. A month before my 21st birthday I got hitched. I thought I was in love. I also thought I would have my first child by the time I was 25. This was the primary thing I wanted out of life. I wanted to be a mom. Correction: I WANT to be a mom. Maybe I even NEED to be a mom.
I feel like I would be a really good mom. I love kids and I have so much love to give. Baby talk has been coming up a lot lately. I don’t think it’s just because my oldest brother had a baby recently. It’s coming up from people who aren’t involved in that part of my life. My friend’s wife has been mentioning a lot lately that she thinks he wants more kids, but she had a hysterectomy and can’t have them. My other brother keeps telling me that he knows I would be a good mom. He sees how I am with our nephew and can see how much I want that. I go crazy over strangers’ babies; like I see one and my ovaries start going gaga.
The thing is, I was married almost nine years. Never once did I get pregnant. During my marriage I had very irregular periods and was told a few years in that it was very likely I would never conceive a child (I have been regular since he and I separated in 2015, I think the issue was him, he stressed me out). I felt like my world ended. My marriage was never the same and this is a large part of why he and I are divorced. Once I accepted that there was a possibility I couldn’t conceive, I started looking at less traditional ways to become a mom. I looked into fertility treatments, anything medically that I could do. Turns out these are all elective procedures and most insurances don’t cover them. They would all need to be paid out of pocket if I wanted to go through with them. My husband felt that if I couldn’t get pregnant the natural way, without us doing fertility treatments, it wasn’t in God’s plan and we shouldn’t mess with that.
Again, the hope I had to one day be a mom was crushed in an instant. Accepting once again that physically giving birth to a child was not going to happen; I again started looking at other routes. About this time, I was working at an Urgent Care clinic and was constantly seeing pregnant teenagers coming in, pregnant drug addicts, pregnant women that really didn’t want the child to begin with I would hear the stories from the OB staff that rented some of our exam rooms for their clinic days). Seeing this just kept making me angry. I was so bitter and angry with God about this, why couldn’t I just be a mom and give these kids the love that they need?
There is a thing in many states (Safe Haven Laws) where a baby can be turned over to authorities (Police stations, Fire stations, and hospitals) no questions asked. There is a time frame and a bit more to it, but the gist of it is if you give birth and decide you do not want the baby, you can give it away to authorities instead of just leaving it in a dumpster or abandoning it somewhere else (at least this has been my understanding, I have never done the full research since it’s not something I would ever consider myself). The idea is that these babies will eventually find a home and someone to love them.
While I was working at the Urgent Care, we had this happen. Technically, since my office was not affiliated with a hospital we were not authorized to take the newborn. But what else could we do? We called the police and had to wait at the office until the police and social services showed up and could figure out what to do with this baby. It was kind of an emotional time in our office, all of our employees were shocked that this happened and that we were now somehow involved with this babies life. I was the one who got to hold her and feed her and change her (we had her in our office for close to for hours). Obviously this was not the best idea lol. Someone should have taken that sweet girl away from me then so I wouldn’t get attached and want to keep her all for myself.
While I didn’t keep her, they took her to the hospital and did all of her checkups, made sure she was healthy and then she was placed into foster care. She is a beautiful newborn, she will be adopted soon with no issues. Everyone wants a newborn. I later learned that one of the officers that was there became her foster father and he and his wife eventually adopted her. It was such a beautiful and happy ending for them.
Going through this opened my eyes to another option for having children. Becoming a foster parent, or even adopting a child. Surprisingly, this started to feel like the more “natural” way. Like the thing I was meant to do. Not to give birth. To me, that part never really mattered any way. I brought up the idea to my husband and he immediately shut it down with, “No, if you can’t get pregnant, we are not meant to be parents. I will not raise someone else’s mistake.” Wow! What the actual fuck? Who is this person? It couldn’t be the husband that always claimed he wanted children and would do anything to have our family. This is when things started to get much worse between the two of us. I kept pushing to become foster parents, to help these children that needed love and stability and the care that we could provide. Why should we bring more children into this world, when there are so many here already that need someone? That need someone to fight for them. We should be taking care of the children that are already here. He kept fighting it.
Since then, I have always felt that becoming a foster parent or adopting is what I was meant to do. I came to the decision after my divorce that I am going to buckle down, get my shit together, maybe find a man, and then by the time I am 35, I will start the process, even if I am doing it alone. That is four and a half years away. Over the last few months or so, I have had baby fever like no other. I briefly decided just to stop my birth control and let nature take its course. That’s a crazy idea. I have considered trying for a baby with my ex-boyfriend because we both want kids and the sex with him was always amazing and fun. Even crazier idea. I have had so many thoughts on how to have a baby recently that I have actually started to think I am losing my mind. I have that damn baby fever and the more I am around my nephew, the more I want a child of my own. I don’t know how to calm down about it right now either. I know I need to have patience and let it happen in its own time. I know this. But I can’t stop thinking about all the ways to just start trying. Maybe I’m sex deprived and once I start having sex again this need for a baby will subside a little. Hopefully this feeling goes away before I decide to do something silly and make that phone call to my ex…