There is a small part of my brain that thinks I am totally fucked up in my thinking and the things that I want. Lately I have been having this overwhelming desire to add something to my life. In reality, I am in no position to add this thing to my life. For one, I am single, I live with my parents, I am trying to better myself by completing my degree and trying to establish myself within the company I work for. Adding this particular ting to my life, wouldn’t make it easier, but I feel like it would make me happier.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I always thought I would get married fairly young (early twenties); I did that. A month before my 21st birthday I got hitched. I thought I was in love. I also thought I would have my first child by the time I was 25. This was the primary thing I wanted out of life. I wanted to be a mom. Correction: I WANT to be a mom. Maybe I even NEED to be a mom.
I feel like I would be a really good mom. I love kids and I have so much love to give. Baby talk has been coming up a lot lately. I don’t think it’s just because my oldest brother had a baby recently. It’s coming up from people who aren’t involved in that part of my life. My friend’s wife has been mentioning a lot lately that she thinks he wants more kids, but she had a hysterectomy and can’t have them. My other brother keeps telling me that he knows I would be a good mom. He sees how I am with our nephew and can see how much I want that. I go crazy over strangers’ babies; like I see one and my ovaries start going gaga.
The thing is, I was married almost nine years. Never once did I get pregnant. During my marriage I had very irregular periods and was told a few years in that it was very likely I would never conceive a child (I have been regular since he and I separated in 2015, I think the issue was him, he stressed me out). I felt like my world ended. My marriage was never the same and this is a large part of why he and I are divorced. Once I accepted that there was a possibility I couldn’t conceive, I started looking at less traditional ways to become a mom. I looked into fertility treatments, anything medically that I could do. Turns out these are all elective procedures and most insurances don’t cover them. They would all need to be paid out of pocket if I wanted to go through with them. My husband felt that if I couldn’t get pregnant the natural way, without us doing fertility treatments, it wasn’t in God’s plan and we shouldn’t mess with that. Continue reading “She’s got the fever people…”